alright. life is just confusing. its amazing how fast you can go from good to bad and back to good, isnt it? and when you have something good you never seem to realize it till the moment has passed. i cant seem to grasp alot thats going on. and as soon as i think i have it figured out alot more gets added to the mix. its crazy! ... anywho, im also finding how horrible i am at handling money. which sux. im tired of calling home just to tell my mom i fucked up agian. and agian. and agian. i just want to be able to call her up and say yeah, i have plenty of money. no you dont have to send me money while you are at home struggling to help me pay for school.... i know she doesnt see it that way, but i just feel like im not holding up my end of everything, you know? i feel like when i left home that i would be able to take care of myself. and here i am, a full year later, in the same boat as it slowly sinks. i had a really good job but now the school shut the stand down, so i dont even have the hundred a week comin in from that now. so i pretty much dont have any money for anything. i have great friends who are more than happy to help, but at the same time i feel like i should figure this out on my own. this is a problem my own ingnorance caused. i dont want to borrow more money because in the back of my mind ill see them as more of a safety net and be more comfortable with putting myself further in debt. im gonna figure this out on my own. i have to. i want to be able to call my mom up and tell her i have a steady job and dont need to borrow money. i want to make her proud. and it just feels like its getting harder and harder to do. such is life right? ill get things figured out.

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